


Love is Hate and there no other way

by ImaverybadwriteralsoGallcavichforever



Category: Stranger Things - Fandom
Genre: Angry Billy Hargrove, Billy Hargrove Being an Asshole, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Child Abuse, Fix It, Gay Billy Hargrove, Good Babysitter Steve Harrington, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Neil Hargrove's A+ Parenting, Past Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption, a proper one unlike what the duffer bros gave us, bed sharing, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-07-10 20:01:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19911385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaverybadwriteralsoGallcavichforever/pseuds/ImaverybadwriteralsoGallcavichforever
Summary: Billy loathed that speech more than he loathed himself, even more than he loathed Harrington, stupidly perfect Harrington who made Billy heart skip and leap who made Billy blush at an insult, who made Billy nervous and not just out of fear, he made Billy scared way too scaredOr alternatively Billy has a crush and reacts like a first grader(Everyone in st is in this but i didn't want to clog the tags for minor)





	Love is Hate and there no other way

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyooo thank you for reading this fic and shoutout to El for convincing me to write this and no el doesn’t have telekinesis unfortunately 😔  
> I apologise for any grammatical or spelling mistakes. English isn’t my best language.

Billy's eyes were blue kind of like his mother's blue but not really sure he had the paleness blue of his mothers but her eyes were just different he took a lot after his mother, the same not same eyes and bright blonde curls that seemed to grow a foot a month.

He figured that why Neil hated him so much Neil and his mom relationship was weird, in a way not just the whole abuse thing but that Billy could never really tell who was the victim and who was the aggressor.

Sure sometimes it was obvious when Neil was towering over his mother as she stood on the floor tired and hurt but then there were times when both were yelling at each other and trading insults, or his mom eyes pale and blue filled with rage would hit a plate against Neil, clawing at him and screaming truth be told at first it was amusing but he found himself laughing less and more just watching the scene unfold.

Closing his eyes and pretending he was just alone in the kitchen and the plates weren’t destroyed, his mom wasn’t crying and there wasn’t blood everywhere. Then his mom would give him a small smile and her blue eyes shining she would take him out to the backyard.. just talk to him about random shit just to take his eyes off on the situation and his eyes would scatter around scared but she was there to comfort him whispering in her thick German accent gripping her necklace tight placing it around Billy's neck.

“My little Isla...Don’t cry everything is fine...let me tell you an old story of mine...about the necklace” then she would start weaving tales endlessly he would laugh and she would smile _she was always a great storyteller_ _she always wanted to be an actor_ _it was kind of ironic how she was acting all the time … acting like everything fine_ “Is my bunny happy” he would not and hug her and everything would be fine but it wasn’t and maybe it would never be.

Maybe he hated how she swept everything under the rug instead of talking about it then maybe she wouldn’t have reached her losing point. He thought about maybes a lot.

Like how if he had just been able to keep his mouth shut about the new boy at school. Who played with Billy the only child to not shun him, and who drew him a picture and how cute he looked and how he was going to marry him one day his dad anger wouldn’t have increased tenfold forever. His mom wouldn’t have left angry at Neil unacceptable of him but then if he hadn’t he wouldn’t have had his mother there to kiss his bruise stinging from Neil fist and the tears from the word faggot he didnt know what it meant but he knew it wasnt good, but she was there she was awalys there to tell him there was “nothing wrong with loving a boy that love is just loving and wherever and whoever you find it with loves you back and that the only thing that matters Isla”.

He missed being a child but was he ever a child he was grown up before he knew it. He forced himself to stop thinking about everything _focus on something else,...your eyes_ he had just noticed that his eyes well they were always blue but their not really blue if that made sense they sort of changed blues but to his drunk mind taking dangerous trips fueled by chugged countless cheap beers at Tommy H. Party it didn’t matter.

If he was drunk or sober one thing that stayed the same was he fucking hated this day...hated how his mother had left him and how she loved him she awalys used to say how much she loved him while hugging him gently like it would make Neils slaps , his red cheeks and tears disappear, as if her overwhelming love bundled with hugs and kisses would make up for it, but all it did was make Billy confused _if she could love him so easily why couldnt his dad_ and then she came back.

Like as if she couldn't bother leaving him alone without the emotional damage of coming back she had only done it a few days at a time after years of hiding away with the words or letters getting fewer but then she had ghosted him a year later but he still remembered that day. 

He remembered being thirteen his favourite toy bunny the one his mother had when she was a child and the one he spelt with to protect him from the monsters under the bed when she couldn’t sleep with him that beautiful bunny disposed and ripped to shreds it white fur blood-splattered and it head gone all because “he was too old for them” sitting on the floor of his bedroom just praying every night for his mom to come back and take him with her, and trying to lock himself in and saying his prayer faster as if to make her appear right there and then...and she did eventually on the eve of his fourteenth birthday there she was in the flesh, sneaking through the tiny window and grabbing Billy. 

She shushed his protest and laughed at him but she was happy so he was happy and very confused But isn't that the life of a child, to be one without power or choice, always going with the change in the wind and praying for a safe harbor? .Wasn't that always his life going with the wind and following the “adults” he was sure they never grew up his mom was still a believer in hope even in despair while that was surely a good thing for her. it wasn't for Billy nothing was ever good for him. He was a ping pong to his parents, a useless fix it child. 

They demanded him to pick a side many times even when there was no fight to be won it was a never-ending war to win his love they bad-mouthed each other constantly but he just stood there trying not to intervene in their war of hate, but he had too sometimes when he didn't want to or else he would be the target they desired to know who he loved more, but in truth there is no such distinction. They asked and should the “right” answer not arrive there is anger, swift and brutal in the form of his mom shunning him and his dad hitting him.

So even when his mom came it wasn't for him but just to win another point to piss off Neil, but he was used to the bribes. it wasn't too bad though he could get used to the perks he decided he would make the best of it as his mom carried him on her slim shoulders, he would admire the stars from above to him she stood like a giant. 

Or maybe that the way he envisioned her he couldn't help exaggerate her tiny height even when he was boarding on it. he held on close afraid she disappear again just to let him calm his nerves she let him touch her hair curly, long and blonde a shining clone of his and play with her necklace. She had told him the story about how her grandmother had made the necklace from the last of their metal as a birthday gift many times usually with Neil letting a murmur of disapproval fall from his lips but this time it felt different maybe even magical. As they were walking along the boardwalk his socks light against the board, as his mom flowered him with Ice-cream galore. It was his favorite Strawberry and five scoops high he smiled happily letting the dark light shine across his face and the pools of ice cream melt onto his clothes. 

They had come across an abandoned climbing place, an adventure playground of sorts, it was dark and quiet but his mom said it was okay and encouraged him to climb the fence. 

She had done it too her heels landing against the sand she had laughed so he did, running up against the wooden structure which reeked of paint but she was giddy like a child taking him everywhere. At some point they ran onto the cold wet damp grass in the rain barefoot, her colorful dresses always finding a way to light up in the darkest nights, the light green still stood out even amongst the grass and as they laid there. His mom rubbing his hair and pointing at all the stars and telling him about it like a well of infinite knowledge.

“You see William that star right there” he had nodded hesitantly she rarely called him William, only when she wanted his attention, she usually called him Isla or Bunny and while he protested those pet names as long as he had been living she had just laughed and just pulled him closer he never thought he miss those names so fucking much. before you get the wrong idea she wasn’t dead but it was like that she was a ghost now refusing to acknowledge Billy but this time there were no secret trips to wherever, maybe Billy just outgrew them or his mom outgrew him he wasn't sure which possibility was worse.

As his bruised muscles cracking with pain,up against his hard mattress _nothing like a beating and shitty necessities_ not like Neil gave a damn to his comfort after all, he give him a semi comfortable bed because “cost” but Billy knew that was bullshit.

Neil would do anything to see Billy suffer it was practically his favourite hobby when he wasn’t gutting the insides of fish but it was practically the same Neil would rail in the fish with bait or in Billy cases kind words and flashy gifts. Then he would wait a bit till the fish took the bait like Billy would let his guard down a tiny bit.Then go in for the kill using his fishing pole and fist to kill the fish slowly and painfully like he would to Billy and he knew for a fact that not only were these mattress so stiff and hard. They cost way more for whatever reason rich people like hard mattresses. but it could be worse his dad could have not given him a room at all _yeah it could be worse_ it was something Billy always thought about him finally getting away from Neil not by his own choice but by cps he tried it before but Neil was so charming and Billy wasn’t ten and a half anymore, his mom wasn't there to challenge Neil and to protect him.

He couldn't risk a visit now so it would never happen not by any fault of his own at least he knew Neil could predict most of his movements.

He heard the horror stories he wasn’t going to subject himself to any more shit and while his dad was shit he was still legally required to provide for him otherwise how else would he use that line in his next argument, to justify his parenting methods and to complain about how hard it was raising a useless piece of shit like Billy and to think of it his father sure loved to complain about useless shit.

But he couldn’t complain he never could without a slap against his cheeks or his dad's famous speech scientifically designed to make anyone who hears it feel like shit which Billy already was, but hey the speech is such a great deal for shitty dads everywhere who wouldn’t love to mentally toture their child when their fist became too bruised to hit them.

And in all honesty Billy loathed that speech more than he loathed himself, more than he loathed his dads fist, more than he loathed girls how he hated to fuck them and go out with them and even more than he loathed Harrington.

Stupidly perfect Harrington who made Billy heart skip and leap, who made Billy blush at an insult who made Billy nervous and not just out of fear, he made Billy scared way too scared.

He could not be with Harrington even if he wasn't straight which he couldn't be because almost all the gays in California used Farrah Fawcett Hairspray it how they found each other.

Not like Billy ever went as far like that even then he was too much of a coward, his pale blue eyes glanced at the alarm finally calm for once because this was his favourite part of the day, when he could just lay in bed and glanced up at the ugly peach ceiling letting his thoughts flowed like a river stream quiet yet loud.

He pulled the wool cover closer shivering in his empty room another form of sadstic toture if Neil wasn’t beating the shit out of him he was fucking up Billys air and heat supply. He never knew when he would be hot or cold plus it was just another way for Neil to keep him on his fucking toes.

Like he didnt do that every single fucking day, with Neil mood deciding if Billy could only get away with a slap and a walk outside in the snow and how he hated the cold, he wasnt used to it . Ofcourse, he was a California Baby he could stand hot weather but not cold especially when he only had one blanket to protect himself. Because everything belonged to Neil if he pissed Neil off too much his belongings would be gone because _they were never his_ , Neil spiteful face popped up and he imagined another cruel smile as he “grounded” Billy.

“You need to learn a lesson about Respect and Responsibility” he saw his dad, felt him “punishing” Billy, he felt his tears and struggled to get out of this hellish nightmare, his breath heavy, _breathe breathe don't be such a pussy_ his panic attack was stopped by a knock on his door he opened the door angrily.

“What the fuck do you want M-..” his father stared at him stone cold and hard like he awalys was calculating watching Billy squirm.

“Is this how you talk to your sister” he grabbed Billy chin and squeezed it tight.

“No sir” Billy tried to make himself shorter, trying to disappear into the wall but it never worked, no matter how he wished it did but his father was in a good mood suprisngly so he let Billy off with a slap and a spilt lip, and Billy could thank him right then and there for not beating the shit out of him for being so rude and disrespectful, but the stare of disappointment and the glare was more painful than the backhand.

Billy forced himself to go downstairs dreading every step to eat with his “family” as far as Billy was conserend his mom was his only family but all his stubbornness did was put Neil in a bad mood.

“You’re Mother is gone Billy suck it up” he would say chewing his steak and despite Billy hating eating breakfast with Susan and Neil , being under his dad microscope was irritating and annoying but he knew if he didn't eat all his food, thank Susan, and be quiet and _not exist_ then there wouldn’t be any food to digest, because Neil had done it before It was either eat everything Susan made no matter how much it taste like horseshit or not eat at all or even worse eat the way Neil wanted him too and while Billy personally thought both options were cruel and unusual toture and neither qualified as the best option but he still needed food to survive so he ate it all.

Every last spoonful in fear for Neil trailing eyes on him, his back arching aganist the chair, eating softly and trying not to throw up watching Max shoveling burned eggs and bacon into her mouth, _his mom food was way better._

He glared at Susan subtly as he thanked her how he wanted to go off on her but he wasn't in the mood to skip school today and be bruised. so instead he took his anger out on Max he yelled at her to get up, which resulted in her eating her scrambled eggs slower then finally getting up and taking forever to get ready, grabbed Max by the elbow when she wasn't moving fast enough. _he hated running into Neil in the morning who was less of a morning person than Billy_ and he grabbed her hard enough to bruise but not enough to get shit from Neil.

He ignored her screaming at him to the point where she was being a cocky little shit, and had the nerve to put her disgusting mud covered red shoes on his dashboard, with a little grin _that stupid brat_ and when he told her to knock it off she flipped him off. so he drove like a manic letting his hands off the steering and speeding up just to see the fear in her eyes and dropped her off to the stares of the middle schoolers. 

He drove back even faster it was the only way plus he couldn't miss getting ready for his favorite class of the day aka Bothering Steve for 40 minutes, he stood against his Camero letting cigarette smoke fill the air, then he went inside shoving a couple of kids who dared to look at Billy in anyway no one was that stupid to do it on purpose but still he had to install fear or he would be scared.

He wasn't always mean he used to be kind but kindness never got him anything but a broken heart and fag screamed at his face by older boys, a shove to the ground and the laughter of his classmates it never gave him anything but humiliation. 

So He hid behind a charming carefree smile and reinvented himself, learning to keep his feelings inside to stop thinking about boys that way. The hurt lodged in that sweet heart like a slow acting poison and before long he became a “problem child,” destined for a life behind bars. He hated his “parents,” hated the system, hated the government and the whole damn world he had to or he would hate himself.

The hate It burst forth in his speech, his actions, his attitude. He got close to people just to hurt them, power at last. Nothing pleased him more than to walk away from a new lover ripping their valentines while they whimpered and ran, To shove a kid down and make him cry to spit the word fag in the kids fave.. To Billy people were “bad, dangerous, and they deserved what they got." Because he deserved what he had gotten.

Steve loathed first period, not only because it's English Class but Billy who made it his personal goal to harass Steve anytime he could which meant every class they shared together. Because Billy obviously didn't think his crude and sexual teasing,his fists and trips down the hallway was enough time to toture Harrington and fortunately for Steve.

There were only four classes but that meant Billy had to make an impression so Steve sighed as Billy came in late _what a surprise_ , came up to him, knocking his books down against the floor, Mrs.Ava looked like she was going to say something but the look Billy gave her shut her up Steve reisted a snort _great everyone was intimidated by Billy._

As the minutes of the lesson passed, the ceaseless buzzing of the classroom grew quieter watching them it was no secret that Billy and Steve weren’t pals but a look of shock always seemed to come on their face watching their interactions a quiet glance from Billy made the chatter started up again and they pretended to be talking about something else and looked away. 

“Hey Prettyboy” Billy licked his lips at him, slamming into the seat next to Steve, Billy smiled at him.

Steve rolled his eyes trailing the pencil in between his fingers, he was way too tired to deal with Billy “Don't you have someone else to bother” .

Billy pouted giving him a small smirk _he even makes puppy eyes look evil_ Steve sighed.

“But you’re my favourite Stevie” Steve kicked Billy from under the table.

“Fuck off” Billy just laughed and reisted the urge to whimper _why was he being so weak it was just a little cut there_ Billy felt himself ponder looking at Steve who was trying very hard not to look at Billy and to focus on the lesson which Billy should be doing to, _but Steve and his perfect lips and how much Billy wanted to kiss them, his soft hair i wonder what it would feel like_ oh how he wanted to kiss Steve, shove him against a wall, fuck him and punch him all at the same time _why do you have to be so damn amazing Harrington._

“Ouch you really hurt my feelings Harrington..I think i just shed a tear” Billy smiled _oh how he loved first period plus steve was so cute when he was annoyed FAG_ his mind screamed he reisted the urge to punch himself, Steve gave Billy a small smirk.

“Bullshit you dont have feelings” Billy chuckled slowly unbutoing his top not like it was open anyways but cmon if he didnt give the cows here a show people might think he a fag _which he is_ , he winked to Steve.

“You’re right about that Pretty Boy” Steve glared and turned towards the window suddenly interested in the blue sky and clouds that dotted the sky. The bell rang _finally freedom_ Steve thought he was one comment away from shoving his pencil up Billy ass.

_why does he have to be such an asshole even worse a cute one and yeah it was pretty cliche of him to have a crush on his bully. but like can you blame him Billy was hot and_ ** _straight_** his mind screamed at him it was too risky plus he didnt think he could handle Billy disgust more than his fists but Billy was so hot _and an asshole but hes a hot one_. 

Steve groaned in frustration _stupid horny brain_ but this felt weird and different he didnt like boys right i mean, _and if he was gay which he wasn’t wasnt he liked nancy for a long time goodness sake then_ couldn’t he atleast have a crush on a boy who isnt an asshole, but what was he, after all if you weren’t straight then you were gay but he liked both he couldn’t possibly be gay and straight at the same time, there had to be a word and Steve had to investigate it for his sake so on he went after Mrs. Ava class to the library.

-

Steve ducked from Nancy and Jonathan he felt bad about missing lunch but if they even knew where he was going they would ask questions he wasn't ready to answer yet when he saw them leave he sprinted towards his car driving to the town library which was well not im Hawkins but the next town over he couldn’t bare to see anyone he knew. He opened the doors to the library entering he was hit with a cloud of dust, and started to look around. 

Row after row of neatly lined up books with their spines facing outward, colour coded with dots, fiction section arranged in alphabetical order, young adults section, comfortable chairs, tables for quiet study, muffled stillness. 

He took a breath walking up to the resident sub librarian Mrs. Mervil the hawk who stood about 5’4 her lip always tight and pressed as if she was simply always waiting for disappointment as if she never bothered to smile, her eyebrows and eyes were thin and like her whole self her clothes reflected that always dread and uncolorful, so professional and tight. It made Steve parents outfits look casual and who despite Steve best try hated him for whatever reason, maybe it was the blonde hair and sapphire blue eyes those combinations always seemed to despise Steve or just everyone but mostly Steve. 

He gave her a false smile “Hi Mrs.Mervil” she turned towards him. her eyes cold and bored she took off her silver rimmed glasses for a young woman she sure acted old she put down whatever book she was reading he examined it, she slammed it before he could see the title but it was a space book for sure.

“What is it Steven” he sighed and gave her a smile he hoped his face wasn't giving away anything.

“Mr.Harrington if you’re just going to stand there and go dont waste my time” he bit his lip and shoved his hands deeper in his cardigan. He couldn’t do this she already hated him _she could tell everyone,_ or even worse whatever worse was. But he needed to know this more than he needed to breathe, he could wait but he wasn't willing to wait.

“I need to find a book...to tell me about my sexuality” at that her face and demeanor softened a bit like she was remancissing she gave him a small smile and lead him towards the shelf her heels dragging along the whole way.

“Alright come along Steven I don't have all day” he sighed in relief and walked up with her, he tried to make conversation as she rustled through the books.

“So space huh” She nodded giving no indication for wanting to continue. so he just shoved his hands in sighed his pockets. She smiled and tossed him a book and throttled off giving him a small smile.

“Steven Don't worry I wont tell I can keep a secret” somehow he trusted her, he had a feeling that she wouldn’t so he relaxed a little bit sit his eye glanced near the window at the beam of sunlight he started harder at his book.

_Different Sexualitys_

He fingered the gold lettering carefully as if hesitant to find out for sure. Thoughts ran through his mind _what if he was gay and just pretend to like Nancy._ he couldn’t deal with that before he opened the cover he took a deep breath. paper rustled as he thumbed through the book to find what he was looking for. Words appeared and disappeared as his eyes flitted across the pages, quickly picking out anything of importance from the jumble of sentences then on word stood out there was a humongous wall of information but he only needed something simple

 **Bisexuality: attraction to both genders**.

Steve could scream in joy but Mervil raised eyebrow told him not to, he smiled to himself finally he had a name for it. Finally he knew what he was and there was no greater feeling. He laughed and ran out of the library finally letting out a scream of joy. His laughter like clouds in the sky was an endless well of joy nothing could bring his mood down today absolutely nothing.

-

Billy was going to ruin Steve day. When Steve came up to next period late he ignored Billy or just laughed with him like they were friends there was no biting remark back. It enraged him what the fuck was Steve so happy about and how dare Steve not be afraid of him. He couldn’t have anyone laugh at him not again never again even though. Steve kind of looked adorable when he smiled.

Damn he really loved Steve smile it made his day and so he left Steve alone to Steve surprise during basketball. He barely touched Steve infact he was almost friendly it was nice. Steve smile grew wider _his crush wasnt being an asshole for once_ today was truly his day plus Billy wasn’t looking too bad in those gym shorts, it was almost nice. 

when Billy knocked him off his feet and after like a hundred suicide and Steve thought for sure he was going to die. He almost fell asleep on the court to the amusement of Tommy who had hissed cruel words at him. 

Steve ignored him and gave him a smirk “Yeah whatever” and he headed into the shower confident and sweat dripping down his forehead and his gym clothes threatened to slip from his slim figure almost as if he had gotten smaller even though he felt bigger.

-

Billy was having an okay practice, it would have been better if he had joined Steve in the showers but he was being too queer lately _he didnt know how Steve didnt punch him just then and now_ , He was practically eyeing him and flirting more than usual and instead of redirecting his anger at Harrington he was kind it was a wonder Steve was so obvilious it was kind of cute the way his lips crewled up into the smallest smile, his eyes already large and puppy stayed the same but were different he wondered how many times those eyes got closed the huge bags reaching under them theartned to put his whole face in the dark _it probably already was_ and depsite his urge to be an asshole and point it out he had mentally promised himself to let Steve have this day _and he awalys keep his promises_ so it would have been rude to bother him _yeah he didn’t want to be rude._ When did you care about rudeness when you were bothering Steve. but he didnt want to think about that now so instead he ruined everyone else's day which the endless glares they sent him only made him more eager to harass them, They were used to Steve being the target of his anger so no one was prepared or knew how to ignore Billy, a girl had approached him her eyes bright and full of hope she had wrapped her books around herself and tried to flirt..it was adorable in a way Billy almost felt bad for ignoring her till she went away _almost_ but he had to after all if he wasnt the school jerk, the asshole fuckboy all the girls think they can change, the charmer, the rebel without a cause who the fuck was he because he hasnt felt like Billy in a long time instead he created a persona all the worst stereotypes for the troubled brat, he rather people hate him for his fake personality than have them see his real self because if they hated that then he would have to face the truth that his dad awalys says “Useless Piece of Shit” it was his trademark because fuck him right fuck his hard effort to perfect in everything, fuck how much he helps around the house how he takes care and watches over everyone but himself, fuck him for being him. Fuck him for being a child who never was a child, Fuck him for never being perfect...no one was… _so why did he have to be_. 

-

Billy had hooked up with the shy girls friend. Who he admired how much of a liar she was, _kind of like him_ she was fast comforting her friend by the outskirts of the hallway and then ditching her as soon as he winked at her, following Billy into the Janitor Closet. _How pathetic_ she had insisted on a date and while he could have fucked her and left he took unnecessary steps to be cruel and why miss a perfect opportunity and get away from his house for a while. Plus he needed to keep up his reputation..how he hated girls they repulsed him.. It wasn’t their fault and he knew that it was his fault… he wished he could fuck the gay out of him no matter how many woman he pleasured, how many he went through that looked even a tinsy bit like his crushes never did it. He knew the type of woman he should love the good girl next door, he tried to he really did but when his eyes trailed on sharp jawlines and the abs of hot men on the beach it was useless. As puberty grew it course it was harder...it was getting harder to imagine the girls as boys maybe if they covered their faces,if she had short hair and a more masculine body he could barely cum… so he pleasured them and told them a bullshit line about how he cared more about their experience than his and for the really persistent one he would go cruel, laughing at them spitting mean words and letting themselves find their way out humiliated. He feels bad but rather them than him...never him..he couldn’t survive if it was him. He could see it now instead of her in the middle would go back to getting black out shit drunk in the end anyways watching everything but not from whoever the fuck party it was couch flinching at any unexpected touch.

-

He didn’t know when he got home but all he knew was that he had picked Max up, from the middle school and of course her little goons were there _geez does she have any other friends._ she had simply started at him anger growing between her eyes but when wasnt she angry at Billy and he maybe knew why but he was too tired to give a fuck, he buckled himself in, rolling a cigarette between his lips freehanding, and letting go of the steer wheel to dance silently to the cure. They were one of his favorite bands, he tapped his fingers up on the stick shift...he didn't feel the need to fight her or anyone today. He felt a sort of happiness which never happens especially not today but he knew why smiles were so contagious or atleast the real ones. He had simply opened the door up to their house. He had stood for a few minutes much to Maxs confusion watching if Neil was watching him...looking for any sign of danger at the clear he opened the door slowly and after Max came in, he closed it without as much sound as possible. He walked into the kitchen grabbing an ice cold water 

“Listen Shitbird do whatever the fuck you want i dont care but dont be loud” With a bird from Maxine he smirked in satisfaction and started to get ready.

If anyone looked into Billy's room which he liked to think was the epitome of straightness but what did he know about that. He tried his best with the little he got most of his belongings containing records and old pictures, his swim gear still dry never to be wet again or smell like the salty ocean locked in a cardboard box as if it make it secure, he figured rhe straight porno mags were the only thing keeping Neil proud of him… he found it funny how his dad thought he could cure him _he had already tried new flash doesn’t really fucking work_ but his hiding place was the best part behind the drawer for everything Neil would have thought was too pussy like, his dream money stashed there too so Neil couldn’t try and take it away Billy knew Neil would, why wouldn’t he ruin his son chances of leaving Neil loved to hold Billy on a tight leash with any fucking thing like Maxine he had to be responsible for her actions, and also he would have left ages ago after his mum had left if he didnt gain a sister someone he had to make sure never went through what Billy did and yeah it was fucking awful he resented her for that but he could never truly hate her because she was the golden child could do no wrong while Billu could but golden child or not if Neil didnt have Billy as a punching bag he would choose either of them and Billy didnt want the chance of it being Max. Neil probably knew that he always knew what Billy was thinking. Billy sighed and got dressed, checking himself out in the mirror pumping along to the music. _could he get any queerer_. He smiled to himself he heard her steps before he heard her knock.

“Billy” whatever she wanted he didn't care 

“Yeah im a little busy in here Susan” Billy said rolling his eyes and fixing up his curls

“Open the door..Right now” _fuck_ he dashed over 

“What wrong” he shrugged trying to read his dad attitude.

“Why don't you tell us” Neil stared at him cold and hard itching to hurt Billy already.

“Because I don’t know” he hated this routine how was he supposed to know everything that went wrong around here.

“We can't find Maxine.-And her window's open” _Maxine Maxine_ for fuck sakes couldn’t she go one night without fucking up Billy life or something.

“Where is she?” _I don’t know._

“I don't know” Billy mumbled.

“You don't know?” _How dare Billy not know exactly everything_ fuck he wasnt in the mood for this. Was there ever a mood for getting beaten up.

“Look, I'm sure she just, I don't know,went to the arcade or something.I'm sure she's fine” He put his arms up tracing around the room _he had to get out of here he was feeling trapped._

“You were supposed to watch her” _no i wasn’t not for this long._

_“_ I know, Dad. I was. It's just you guys were three hours late,and, well, I have a date.” He looked at his dad .“Look I'm sorry okay” that how it works if i say i'm sorry he go easy on me sometimes..he won’t be too mad at me. The smell of coffee taffy and rained on boots the air, had he went to Tony's Billy hoped so It would mean a better chance of Neil to let him off easy.

“That why you been starting at yourself in the mirror like some kind of faggot instead of watching your sister ” Billy felt tears on the brink _YOU PUSSY HE NOT EVEN HITTING YOU YET_. He forced himself to take a deep breath. He was getting mad. He knew he should just stand there and take it but he wasn’t going to take this bullshit for one more minute, he had a lousy day.

“Look Dad I been looking after her for all week, and if she wants to run off then let her she thirteen she shouldn’t need a full time babysitter and she not my sister” Neil charged at him the second he knew it he was up against the bookshelf his rib bones were pressing against the cider oak and the look Neil gave him told him everything about how it would get worse and this would be nothing.

He was stronger and older why didn't he feel like it.

Now he could fight back he tried to convince himself but he was never that good of a liar but Billy worked out a lot as an attempt to just become stronger faster than his father and even though he wasn't a tiny skinny scared little boy and he was as tall as Neil maybe even taller but Neil stood over him or appeared to he could never outrun his scared mindset and even if he could beat the shit out of Neil he probably can. but Neil was still his dad and the same dad who wasnt always so fucking bad who sometimes made Billy enjoy baseball, he never could gain the courage to even challenge him for a second it all flew away the second Neil gave him that glance the glance that he knew he was in deep shit it was all over, he figured he was like Palov dog in that way awalys loyal like a dog and trained to recive the hits under any circumstance.

Neil slapped him, Billy wanted to shield himself someway somehow but he stood there eyes to the ground. Susan who could stop all this maybe with one word just looked away he scoffed mentally she was probably just thinking of it as a punishment and how was that a fair punishment when he didnt do anything fucking wrong and to apologize to her who started this whole fucking commotion causing Neil to scream about respect and responsibility when she could have just went and put up a poster or something. How he wished his eyes would stop crying of course she wasn’t helping him he isn't Max he nobody except a menace maybe a menace to his whole dads reputation even though his dad allowed him to wear this as a sorry if he ever took it too far, now he had to make up for something that Max had done what a surprise. When the door was slammed shut.

He broke down letting his pool of tears hit the ground and curdling up snot all over his face. while boys don't cry played in his head. he wished he could cry sometimes but he can’t he can never do anything but hope for an okay future a future where he wasn’t scared of his dad and maybe had a partner, a future where he can stop acting like his mum had done. 

-

He had been chasing around for Max all night he was tired and irritable letting the loud sounds drown out his thoughts he was angry, he went over all the way to Mrs.Wheeler house the only person in this town that wasn't against Billy it was quite nice but he couldn’t stay too long the longer he took the harder it would be. It was quiet when he pulled up to the Byers and he admit all Billy saw was rage that all he was focused on and it was cold rage It churned within, hungry for destruction, and it's too much for him to handle because it meant he wanted to hurt someone it meant that no one was spared from his wrath.

If he had looked a little closer he would see the small smile Steve gave him but he didn’t So he hurt Steve he didn’t care who it was right now it didn't matter because for all he saw they were all Neil everyone was Neil when he was angry it was a flash of hot lava down him, his cheeks red, his eyes squinted he took several hits and if he had noticed he would have seen the smile and joy from Steve day die, he would have seen how Steve looked at Billy how the anger in Billy's eyes scared Steve for the first time and how while Billy was fighting him all he saw was a kid. All Billy saw was red, then pixels the nothing till he came through there was Max standing up to him he be pretty impressed if so much wasn't on the stake but what little pride he had left he wouldn’t give up for anything except Max threatening glare that wasn't what had scared him heck he could care less if he was castrated. What scared him was for the first time she and Neil merged and not in Anger but fear the one emotion Billy hated with a passion.

“Say you understand...Isn’t that right, Billy” like always like the little coward he is. he nodded and tried to disappear.

-

He had walked home without his Camaro and he was way too late the sun was shining, he was already bruised from Harrington, he had no car and he came home without Max. Fuck couldn’t his karma be delivered in smaller doses. He trailed around for a bit he knew he should go home but he was already so fucking screwed, _please be asleep_ he could handle his punishment in the morning but no such luck. Neil glared at him, grabbing his arm tightly and shoving him down to the ground.

“You had one job Billy are you telling me you're so retarded that you can't do something as simple as picking up your sister” Neil rubbed his temples, Billy stayed quiet it was better this way if only he was smart enough to just have given up. His dad was thinking never a good sign.

Neil sighed he was surprised at the lack of response at the already made bruises but he didn’t wish to bring that up he reached his limit of humiliation for the day.

“Let's see maybe some responsibility and chores will teach you to actually do shit...I want all the sticks picked up outside every day..once you finish come back inside” Billy sighed and attempted to grab his coat. 

“Nope if you want to be an irresponsible little faggot then maybe you should have done it in Winter Clothes”.

“Please Dad I freeze” he begged but Neil slapped him hard he fell against the dresser and pain rang through his head, Neil kicked him in the stomach “What did I say” Billy stayed silent, Neil kicked him again “What did I say”.

“T-to pick up the uh sticks without my winter clothing..sir” Billy's voice cracked, he shielded his tears.

“Oh so you do listen” _fuck this_ he went outdoors his shoes and whole body freezing in the snow, and he dug his hand through the snow to find covered ones because if he worked harder than he needed to Neil would be less angry and he could maybe survive this once he rounded up all the sticks his hands blistering and pulsing red there was Neil throwing all of his stuff out and into the hallway Neil was Angry. 

“What this Billy” he flashed Billy calforian money in his face. _Paper you prick._

“Money” Billy shrugged, Neil grabbed him.

“What are you doing with it”.

“It just money to buy presents for my girlfriend” Neil laughed like he knew Billy was lying.

“I guess she won't mind if you pay for dinner with us...unless it for something important Billy” _you know it is._

“No” Billy gritted through his teeth he was sore everywhere. Neil gave him a sadistic smirk.

“Great on to the Next Matter cleaning up all your shit” Neil brought over Billy records to the garage he handed him a hammer and lined them up.

“Either you break them with this hammer or I break you” so Billy did break the records, the ones that contained memories of joyful nights, tears coming down as he did screaming bloody murder. The crack of the hammer against the cds disk broke his heart and at the end of it. When he was a slobbering mess he had screamed throwing the hammer up against his hand. Yelling in agony with a mumbled shut up. Billy stayed in the garage all day and not one person asked. 

“Where Billy?” As he was attempting to heal his hand to the best of his abilities. He realized no one cared.

He could have died tonight and no one will shed an eye they might even cheer and he didn’t want to be alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Slaps fic back woah baby that was a lot of projecting traumatic experiences in vague detail and astro projecting any and all your traits past and pretence on to a fictional character, but giving them a semi loving bond with a parent ah couldn’t be me.


End file.
